Session 3 - Adjustment Without Compromise and Resolving Conflict

Sermon and Prayer

As uniquely created beings by God’s divine design, He wants us to manage our differences in a manner that brings understanding, not division, in any relationship. The ‘oneness’ of marriage does not mean you lose your personality, individuality or uniqueness. That is why in marriage there are bound to be differences and this Marriage Seminar deals with the important issue of conflict resolution.

In this session you will learn to recognise that the root of conflict resolution is recognising common ground – the Word of God, our foundation. Discover how, while the devil seeks to exploit our differences to cause division, in a Christian home, misunderstandings are an avenue to gain maturity and conflicts provide an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your God-given partner.

Join Brother Chris as he talks about 3 guiding principles in conflict management – adjustment without compromise, how to speak it out and sort it out and how to move on from misunderstanding.

Scriptures

Proverbs 15:1

“A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.”

“Whoever has no rule over his own spirit Is like a city broken down, without walls.”

“Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God.”

“Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion. Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord. … Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

“Therefore, putting away lying, ‘Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbour,’ for we are members of one another. ‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labour, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”

“Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.”

“Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled;”

“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

Questions & Answers

Written Questions

Many questions were submitted before the seminars. Here are responses to some of those written questions, which are relevant to this third session.

What does it mean to be compatible in marriage, and can one partner always be right?

Compatibility in a Christian marriage does not mean that partners are identical or share the same strengths, weaknesses, or interests. Instead, it centres on having similar priorities and life objectives. The most critical factor is a shared love for God and a mutual commitment to submit to His will.

Scripture warns against being “unequally yoked” with unbelievers, which refers to actual believers with a real commitment to God rather than those who are merely cultural ‘believers’ or churchgoers. Compatibility does not imply an absence of differences or disagreements. In God’s design, marriage is two different halves coming together to make a whole. Each partner possesses something the other lacks; for instance, the creation story shows a part was removed from man to create woman.

These differences are designed to form a greater unity rather than lead to division. For a couple to form a unified whole, they must be different so that one’s strengths can match the other’s weaknesses. Consequently, friction and tension are normal and potentially present throughout a marriage. Reaching a mutual understanding through these differences is hard work but essential for a successful marriage.

Regarding conflict, while one partner may initially be more mature and ‘right’ more often, it is impossible for one person to be always right and the other always wrong. God simply has not designed the marital relationship that way.

It is generally not advisable for husbands and wives to attend separate churches; couples should normally agree on a church before they marry. Families are vital building blocks of any church, and splitting a family between two congregations is detrimental to both the churches and the marriage.

Regarding preferences for different preachers, Scripture warns against a ‘carnal’ or ‘factional spirit’ where individuals align themselves with specific ministers. Focus should remain on God’s Word rather than the human servant of God. Strong preferences for specific denominations or preachers can be a warning sign of a carnal approach, being more ‘religious’ than truly Christian. Christianity is a relationship with God, not a religion. Ultimately, God will judge whether we worshipped Him in spirit and truth, not which specific church we attended or preacher we followed. These differences of preference are not fundamental issues of faith and should be adjusted to maintain marital unity.

This situation is not usually an attack but an issue of working through differing perspectives and the practicalities of a prayer life. Scripture commands us to pray at all times while also setting apart specific hours. For example, Cornelius and Peter both had a lifestyle of prayer but also observed specific times like the sixth and ninth hours.

While God may sometimes call for all-night prayer – as Jesus did on occasion – it is also necessary to appreciate the body’s physical tiredness from hard work. This difference should be resolved through open communication and a willingness to compromise on preferences while remaining firm on principles. Often, one partner has a more ‘spiritual’ emphasis while the other is more ‘practical’. This is frequently part of God’s design, and partners should appreciate these complementary strengths rather than judging each other as being too spiritual or not spiritual enough.

There is no fixed formula, but a husband must side with what is right rather than always choosing one side for emotional or cultural reasons. He should play a role in resolving the conflict where major differences exist.

Spiritually, the relationship between a husband and wife carries a different significance than that of a mother and son. Genesis 2:24 and Mark 10:7 state that a man shall “leave his father and mother” to be joined to his wife as “one flesh”. Parents are warned to resist the temptation to interfere in their children’s marriages. While a wise word of counsel is acceptable, continual interference disrespects God’s plan for the new family unit.

Maintaining trust, care, and affection is extremely difficult when a couple is physically separated. The first step is to examine the reason for the distance, whether it is economic or due to another duty like military or missionary service. If the separation is purely for economic reasons, remember that it is “better to have a little with the fear of the LORD, than great treasure with trouble” (Proverbs 15:16).

Long-distance relationships inevitably involve significant trouble and should be avoided where possible. If separation is chosen voluntarily, the couple must count the cost, including the strain on the relationship and the negative impact on children. Any period apart should be viewed as a temporary stepping stone, not a permanent solution, as the normal state for a married couple is to be together. During separation, frequent and open communication is essential to avoid the build-up of irritation and temptations toward emotional or sexual infidelity.

Christian marriage is built on mutual trust; therefore, husbands and wives should have no secrets from one another and should not need permission to access each other’s phones.

The phone can be an avenue for a secret life, and discomfort with a spouse accessing it suggests a significant problem. However, checking a phone should never be motivated by jealousy or a desire to find faults. Practical etiquette includes:

  • Messages to colleagues, especially those of the opposite sex, should be strictly professional and not personal.
  • Texting from former relationships should cease unless there are children in common.
  • All pictures of former partners should be deleted.

Marital fidelity extends to every area of life, and the promise made in marriage vows includes maintaining these godly boundaries in even the smallest matters.

In general, the answer is no. On an emotional level, a godly husband or wife should keep their spouse as the primary confidant for their most intimate thoughts, struggles, and joys. Often, searching for an outside confidant stems from conflict within the marriage; however, confiding in friends rather than resolving the issue internally often makes matters worse. Conflict is designed to build greater unity between husband and wife. An exception exists for seeking counsel from a godly pastor, though even here, one must be careful not to build an emotional dependence.

Spontaneous Questions

During this session, the opportunity was also given to participants to ask spontaneous questions which arose after listening to the teaching. Here are the immediate answers given to some of those questions during the live seminar.

What should I do if my spouse remains unyielding after I have spent time in prayer about a conflict?

In a Christian home, it is essential to recognise that while we speak the words, it is God who convicts the heart and makes the message effective. If you address an issue in truth and love and your spouse appears unresponsive or emotionally overwhelmed, you should not attempt to force a message upon them. Instead, allow them time to reflect, trusting that the Holy Spirit will prompt their heart to reach a point of resolution.

If there is no immediate response, do not feel compelled to force a settlement at that moment; you may return to prayer or continue with other activities while the Word works in your spouse’s heart. Avoid engaging in a back-and-forth argument if they are reluctant or reactive. While there is no rigid formula for this process, you must adhere to the principle of ‘not letting the sun go down on your anger’ by addressing the day’s issues without undue delay (Ephesians 4:26).

Furthermore, do not base your subsequent actions on your spouse’s silence or provocation. Doing so creates a cycle where you refuse to speak simply because they were previously silent. If your spouse becomes ready to sort out the issue, you must also be ready, rather than playing games of retaliation. Recognise that people process information at different speeds; understanding your spouse’s specific timing is a key part of effective conflict management.

A confession of Christian faith is not sufficient on its own to conclude that a person is a suitable partner; the genuine nature of a Christian journey is revealed by the fruit of the Holy Spirit and one’s way of life. You should not take a profession of faith at face value but must see evidence of how that person actually lives and what they truly believe. Since marriage impacts every area of life, you should never feel pressured or rushed into a decision by external factors without clear proof of spiritual agreement.

When there is a heart agreement in the light of God’s Word, other disagreements and personality clashes can be managed effectively. However, you must not be blinded by the thought that a partner will change after marriage or that you can be the one to change them. Discovering these discrepancies before committing to marriage is an act of God’s preservation and rescue.

Constructive communication is the bedrock of resolving such conflicts. Husband and wife must talk to understand why one feels a sense of urgency and why the other is prioritising different matters. Resolution often requires meeting in the middle and adjusting one’s schedule or priorities for the sake of the project you are undertaking together. It is not always a matter of one being right and the other being wrong; rather, you must determine what to focus on first through peaceful discussion.

If a spouse expresses a desire to pray about a decision, this should be respected as a godly approach rather than a cause for friction or accusations of delay. It is vital to bathe decisions in prayer, and often one spouse must adjust their expectations to allow for this. What matters is that you make decisions together in agreement, following a godly process that ensures neither party feels excluded or ignored.

When a decision is finally made, the husband holds the ultimate authority in leadership. A wife must be careful not to express frustration in a way that aggressively challenges or usurps that divine role. These roles are a matter of divine design – sacrificial leadership for the husband and willing submission for the wife – and should not be confused during conflict. Even if an agreement is not reached immediately, you should leave the conversation in peace rather than provocation. Prayer will eventually bring the necessary heart conviction to one or both parties, preventing the growth of bitterness.

While principles of conflict resolution for Christian homes primarily apply to believers, the greatest sermon you can preach to unbelieving family members is through the reality of your own life. People who are not in Christ often watch those who are to see if their actions match their confession. While there is a time to speak the truth in love – stating that a certain way of life is not godly or beneficial – you must choose your words carefully and prayerfully, as a carnal response is likely.

Often, your words will have the most impact when family members face a situation beyond their control and realise their need for God. Even if they mock your words initially, those words are seeds that can produce fruit in due time. Use their ungodly behaviour as an incentive to become even more serious about your own spiritual life, as your life is a light to those around you.

Regarding your desire for a spouse, a wife is a gift from God, and He will locate the right person for you at the right time as you seek Him. A marital partner sent by the Lord will be prepared to care for and support you despite your physical condition. Do not fear that your challenges will turn away the person God has ordained for you; they will be equipped to accept you and join you in the journey of faith.

Alcohol consumption is a significant red flag and should be treated as an issue of principle rather than mere preference. Ministry experience shows that many destroyed lives and broken marriages began with ‘casual’ or ‘social’ drinking where the individual believed they were in control. If you give the devil an inch, he will take a foot; a small door opened to alcohol can lead to addiction when you face life’s challenges, such as grief or distress.

Alcohol interferes with the will, pollutes decision-making, and impairs discretion. It acts as a catalyst the devil uses to infiltrate the will to sin; under its influence, people fight, fornicate, and make regrettable decisions. While some attempt to use Scripture to justify moderate drinking, it is unwise to start something that is known to lead down a destructive road.

Furthermore, if you require alcohol to relax or enjoy time with others, it raises questions about the genuineness of those friendships. True friendship does not require a substance to shift your normal state of being. For those who enjoy the taste, non-alcoholic alternatives are available that do not interfere with one’s reasoning or soul.

The idea that a minister must avoid their spouse before ministering to others is a personal conviction, not a scriptural rule or regulation. Marriage is a divine, sacred, and holy principle, and intimacy within it does not make a person ‘unclean’ or ‘unholy’. While the Old Testament contains various regulations, we are under a new covenant through the blood of Jesus Christ.

Scripture does state that a couple may mutually agree to abstain from intimacy for a specific period of prayer and fasting (1 Corinthians 7:5). This must be a shared decision reached through open communication and heart agreement. However, it is incorrect to believe that engaging in marital intimacy makes one unfit to preach or affects one’s anointing to minister.

If sharing your convictions on purity and maintaining clear boundaries incites offence, bitterness, or mockery in a potential suitor, it is God’s way of revealing that they are not the right person for you. This reaction is an act of God’s preservation and rescue. A partner truly sent by the Lord will understand and accept your position, as you would be united in that conviction in a godly home.

We must be direct about boundaries; anyone attempting to push intimate boundaries before marriage is a major red flag. Lust is an overpowering force, and starting down that road – even with ‘small’ acts – often leads to a point where you cannot stop. The biblical command is to “flee sexual immorality,” not to see how much you can manage or how far you can go (1 Corinthians 6:18).

Discipline and self-control must be applied before marriage; they do not magically appear after the wedding. Be wary of sweet words from those whose primary interest is sex before marriage. Stand firm for what you believe and set clear boundaries; if you do not, you will inevitably end up breaking them.

Your Feedback

Please share with us some of the lessons you have learned from this third session, or any further questions that you have on the topic.

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